This Day

     This day has been exhausting. My anxiety has flared up & then, to compound it, adults are acting like children. Adults who have children are acting like children which is, to me, worse than someone who doesn’t have a child acting childish.

     Sometimes I get so tired of people. People and their problems, people and their noise, people and their prejudices, people and their opinions, people and their drama….

     I’m an introvert. That is becoming more evident to me as the years pass.

     Yesterday my best friend told me that I would regret not getting out more and doing things, especially at night. At first I agreed with her but then I began realizing that maybe she was wrong. I love staying at home. It makes me very happy to just be with my parents and my bunny. It is my safe spot, and even though it’s cliché, I gain sustenance there. Why will you regret something that is wired within your very being? I don’t think that you will.

     It is also becoming more evident how much I despise confrontation & irritation. I want people to like me. I suppose everyone does. But today, after feeling physically sick over several things that went on (see the first paragraph above), I understand now how terribly people saying negative things about me affects me.

     My friend also told me that I needed to stand up for myself. I hardly ever do. Until I get to the point where someone has threatened my character I will usually just hunker down, waiting for the overt slight/punishment/dislike to pass by and also giving whoever hurt/wronged me the benefit of the doubt. Always.

     I want to stand up for myself but I get so tongue tied in the heat of the moment that I don't think I can make a coherant argument. Even if the things I want to say are clear inside my head, they will be garbled when they come out. And the thought of my argument being dismissed or scoffed at, and myself deemed as foolish, terrifies me.

     Not only do I get tongue tied but I also over-analyze. I know that even if I don't get tongue tied, if I do speak aloud the arguments inside my head (even though they may be true), I will regret those words not five minutes later. Because words have the power to alter so much.

Sara
     UPDATE: This weekend has been a doozy. However, with a lot of prayer I *think* that the stress that began last Thursday is weakening.

     I don't want to have a wrong attitude towards people. I know the correct response when I'm angry and hurt is to love and to give grace to those who have hurt me. We are all sinners and we all have days where we aren't living through Christ's power. Our freedom in Him is for times such as these when we're hurt. That freedom calls us to continue loving those who have hurt us and fighting for unity with them even though we may not feel like it.

     I have no illusions that this situation is permanently settled but I am confident that by constantly allowing Christ to control the times of conflict that He will work everything out and (in the end) create something beautiful of it all.

Maybe {Growing Up Isn't Easy}

     'Maybe my parents don't have to be happy with all the choices that I make in life.  Maybe they don’t have to agree with all of them either.'  I think this as I drive toward a friend’s house after having just left my home where my parents made it plain that they didn’t agree with a choice that I had made. 

     Their disapproval stung and as I left the driveway I imagined their thoughts;  'We raised her better than that', 'what does she do when she's not around us', 'what will she do when she lives on her own'? 

     As I drove down the road, ashamed, wondering if I should go back, apologize to them and recant my choice, a thought echoed in my mind, 'Maybe my  parents don't have to be happy with all the choices that I make in life’ and then, the part that came after that, 'and that's OK!'

     I am not my parents.  I am not called to embrace the same choices and opinions that they have chosen to observe.  And that's OK.  Even though they don’t agree with me and even though they may not think that I’m living “right”, it REALLY is OK. 

   Pulling away from the belief system that raised me is hard.  It becomes even harder when I begin to realize that my parents & the people that I grew up with aren’t always going to agree with my life.  It's hard when they think that I'm not doing “right” and that I’m not “in God’s will”.  I won't lie and say it's easy.  It makes me feel like I should stop the things that I do and conform to their beliefs and opinions so that they'll approve of my choices; however, I can't do that.  It would be cheating myself since I know that who I am and the things that I’m choosing are the path that God has for me.

  I don't want to live to please any person.  Not my parents, not my best friend, not the church I attend and not the world that I live in.  I want to live to please Jesus Christ, the man who is also God, who gave His life for mine and who loves me just as I am.

Still On the Fence

I still don't know just what exactly I'm going to do this year for Sara Vogt Photography.  While I want to get a steady stream of clients, I am also at a stalmate because I don't know how to get them and I don't know if I want to put in the effort to get them. 

So I guess that mean's I drift.....

I would love to use this year to be creative and do more landscape photgraphy.  I posted a "call" on my Facebook page for anyone who would like to participate in discounted themed sessions and I haven't had any response. 

So where do I go from here?  What do I do?  I know that no activity = slipping back but the activity I'm doing doesn't seem to be helping matters.

Sara

What to Do?

For some reason over the past week, I've been asking myself a few hard questions.

1- Do I really want a thriving photography business?

2- Am I willing to put in the work that it requires to get a thriving photography business?

3- Should I take this year off from portrait photography and instead concentrate on taking landscapes and nature photos?

4- Should I attempt a 365 or 52 Project this year?

In this post, I am going to do my best to answer these four questions honestly.

1- Do I really want a thriving photography business?  Yes. I would like to have a business where the income is not sporadic but regular.  Where I have (ideally) one customer a month. 

2- Am I willing to put in the work that it requires to get a thriving photography business?  This one is tough.  On the one hand, I immediately want to say, "Yes". But on the other, I'm lazy (although that is one thing I really really really want to work on this year) and the thought of having to put so much work and time and energy into getting clients and keeping them happy makes me tired.  But deep down, I think that I'm still going to have to say, YES.  Because it's my dream.  I do want to work harder at photography this year than last.

3- Should I take this year off from portrait photography and instead concentrate on taking landscapes and nature photos?  I don't think I will take the year off from portrait work, however I do want to concentrate more on the nature/landscape side and maybe find a few niches where I can sell my work.  Which might give me some income as well.

4- Should I attempt a 365 or 52 Project this year?  I was back and forth on this one too.  I would love to do a 365 but realistically, it's just not me.  I think that last year, I got about a month or two into the Project 52.  So this year my goal is going to be for 6 months of Project 52!

What about you?  Are there things you're debating if you should do or give up or change strategy on this year?  Let me hear from you!

Sara

Let Me Get Angsty (And Then Let You In on What I've Been Up To)

 I have grand ideals for 2013.  I want it to be a year where I make things happen and make some changes.  I'm going through Christina Greve's Setting Your 2013 Goals and it's hard.  Kinda hard to set down on paper what I want.  Because I've come to realize that I flit around like a butterfly when there are an overload of beautiful flowers around.  I go from thing to thing and, although I have deep thoughts and emotions, I rarely, if ever, actually put pen to paper and let them flow out of me.  But I am now.  Check it out.  So far I'm on day 5 (I think).

  Two friends and I went to Biltmore Candlelight Christmas Evenings the first of December.  It was a whirlwind, weekend trip and it was fun!  The sights in the house were amazing and I was able to get some decent photos outside at this humongous tree they had on the front lawn. 

  I have been debating over what goals I want to set for my business in 2013, as well as putting off when to set them. I want to take a Saturday morning and go to Starbucks and figure it all out.  Well, there are only 2 Saturday's left in December and one isn't an option.  So, it looks like I'm left with this Saturday.  I still feel like I'm not getting anywhere with clients.  I have new prices set but can't find the right people to invest. 

  Been throwing an idea around about having a teen girls meeting every month.  Something like the "grown-up" lady's meetings but more fun and more openness. 

  That's what I've been thinking of these past couple months.  What about you?

Sara 

It's in the Seeking, It's in the Desiring, It's in the Small Choices

  So lately I've been reading my Bible more and I feel in my soul how destitute I am and how in need of God and the filling of His spirit I am. I so long to allow Him to live through me. I'm tired of being who I don't want to be. I want to snap my fingers and be "good enough".  For one thing, I can never be good enough, But He is. 

  What has been slowly dawning on me as I read the Bible, read other blogs and hear people talk about persuing God and His righteousness is this: We are never going to hear a *SNAP* and be suddenly like Christ, filled with His spirit and walking in His ways.  It's going to happen slowly.  As we seek His will in everyday matters, as we desire His heart and His thoughts, as we make the small choices - those things draw us near to Him, open up our hearts and our minds so that we can be controlled by Him.....

The other thing I'm realizing is that the seeking, desiring and choosing is affirmation that we are His.  There is something wrong inside if we don't have that battle. That constant "...for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I (Romans 7:15).

Anyway, that's what's been in my head here.  Got something to share? Share away!

Firenze

A name

A pigeon

Cobblestones

Looking at photos from a destination wedding....

These tiny, tiny things fill my heart with 

A deep, unsettled yearning for Florence.