Monday, April 1, 2013

This Day

     This day has been exhausting. My anxiety has flared up & then, to compound it, adults are acting like children. Adults who have children are acting like children which is, to me, worse than someone who doesn’t have a child acting childish.

     Sometimes I get so tired of people. People and their problems, people and their noise, people and their prejudices, people and their opinions, people and their drama….

     I’m an introvert. That is becoming more evident to me as the years pass.

     Yesterday my best friend told me that I would regret not getting out more and doing things, especially at night. At first I agreed with her but then I began realizing that maybe she was wrong. I love staying at home. It makes me very happy to just be with my parents and my bunny. It is my safe spot, and even though it’s cliché, I gain sustenance there. Why will you regret something that is wired within your very being? I don’t think that you will.

     It is also becoming more evident how much I despise confrontation & irritation. I want people to like me. I suppose everyone does. But today, after feeling physically sick over several things that went on (see the first paragraph above), I understand now how terribly people saying negative things about me affects me.

     My friend also told me that I needed to stand up for myself. I hardly ever do. Until I get to the point where someone has threatened my character I will usually just hunker down, waiting for the overt slight/punishment/dislike to pass by and also giving whoever hurt/wronged me the benefit of the doubt. Always.

     I want to stand up for myself but I get so tongue tied in the heat of the moment that I don't think I can make a coherant argument. Even if the things I want to say are clear inside my head, they will be garbled when they come out. And the thought of my argument being dismissed or scoffed at, and myself deemed as foolish, terrifies me.

     Not only do I get tongue tied but I also over-analyze. I know that even if I don't get tongue tied, if I do speak aloud the arguments inside my head (even though they may be true), I will regret those words not five minutes later. Because words have the power to alter so much.

     UPDATE: This weekend has been a doozy. However, with a lot of prayer I *think* that the stress that began last Thursday is weakening.

     I don't want to have a wrong attitude towards people. I know the correct response when I'm angry and hurt is to love and to give grace to those who have hurt me. We are all sinners and we all have days where we aren't living through Christ's power. Our freedom in Him is for times such as these when we're hurt. That freedom calls us to continue loving those who have hurt us and fighting for unity with them even though we may not feel like it.

     I have no illusions that this situation is permanently settled but I am confident that by constantly allowing Christ to control the times of conflict that He will work everything out and (in the end) create something beautiful of it all.

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